Those that know me can attest to my free-spirited nature and to my strong disinterest in fitting the mold. I have always, and often to my own distaste, found my place to be outside of conventional thought and experience, always outside the "in crowd". Perhaps it is just a card I was dealt in this lifetime. But to me the idea of a set life path is one fraught with unmet expectations, perceptions of failure, and self-suppression. I am not a pessimist, but the assumption that I am in control of the infinite facets of existence that make up life is an unachievable feat and an inconceivable idea. So, I wonder, “Why do I even try to even dream up how my karma will play out?” Yet still, to my great delight, I am part of this existence! And my hope is that through my existence, fully seasoned with expectations and failures, I can connect with others to understand a deeper truth about it all.
Even the most rebellious of us are influenced and affected by the idea of the ideal, which in my experience has been a root cause of suffering (or at least the perception of suffering) in life. I was raised Roman Catholic, so from an early age I was served many strong ideas about “right”, “wrong” and “perfection” from those who taught me. Those beliefs have shaped my actions and thoughts in a way that I cannot and would not change. I held on to the pain those expectations created in me for many years before I learned about REAL spiritual connection. We all feel the same frustration in the modern age as our expectations of “the perfect life” seem to be elevated with every new social Influencer that pops up showing us how to “be”.
I find myself in this space every time I scan my own Instagram feed and see all these perfect poses and bodies that have become the fac(ad)e of my industry. While all this Insta-ration is a strong motivator, it is also such an illusory burden placed upon our SELF-expression. I spent a good amount of time today looking at myself on digital film, and in relation to my expectations I was shown so much more than my physical limitations. The fun photo shoot I enjoyed with a best friend became my own playground of judgements, insecurities, and critiques of my own “condition” that weren’t even present when the photos were being taken. Another card in my deck (perfectionism) rears its head as I spend much energy to find perfection in this work (let’s not get into all the proofreading and editing of this post XP). Ultimately, I found my peace when I realized that perfection is an illusion, and at the same time always the Truth. But the latter is the case only if you change your angle of reference.
"AM I PRETTY YET???" said the E-RYT 500 Yoga Instructor
So here is my Yoga lesson, and hopefully it is one you can connect with too!
Yoga teaches us about Kleśa - cause of suffering, corruption, hindrance, affliction, poison.
Patanjali speaks of 5. If you don’t know them, they are:
avidyā - lack of wisdom, not seeing things as they are
asmitā - the sense of ‘I’, egoism
rāga - desire, passion, attachment
dveṣa - aversion
abhiniveśḥā - clinging to life, self-preservation
*translation from The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali by Chip Hartranft (check link below)
I won’t get into a lengthy lecture on these as a deeper understanding (of this and so much more) can be found through contemplation and study of the Yoga Sutras. But it all starts with avidya; ignorance of Truth, the ultimate cause of pain and suffering.
For me it goes like this:
“I (ego) think I am separate, special, different. This leads me to feel a need for pleasure and self-expression, and to avoid pain and suffering. Worst of all… If I die, then I am nothing at all!”
Though dramatically simplified, this all could be argued as a logical sequence of thought and experience. But it is merely one side of the coin of my existence. What gives me a purpose on such an arduous road? It leads to the knowing that we are ALL FUCKING PERFECT, just the way we are in every single moment!
Just as fractals of sunlight might reflect off the multitude of waves in the ocean creating an ever-changing shimmer of activity and light, we all live for that moment to be seen and known by the onlookers on the shore. But the light is not from the water. It is beyond the waves, yet it allows them to shimmer as though they were billions of sparkling gems. And we as conscious beings, are reflections of Pure Awareness which radiates like the sun giving life and light to all things.
I have found a great practice in seeing “imperfections” from this light. Without angles and imperfections, a prism would not create a rainbow. Without waves, the ocean would not move or shimmer. Remember that when things seem wrong or imperfect, it is only the ego reaching out for something it doesn’t clearly express from its own point value. It seeks to be connected to another, which the yogis say is why anything exists at all.
We all seek this in our egoistic selves and we shine our brightest light to find such connections. But if we go one step deeper to see all pleasure, pain and suffering as shared steps on the road, then separate and different become much less painful. We all feel alone in some way, which is perfect because we seek each other through that experience. Without ego, there is no route for connection, without attachment and suffering there is no way to relate. If we were all whole, we wouldn’t want to connect to anything else. Individual drops of water cannot create a flow. And even the biggest egos, the ones that think they are the only thing in the whole universe (ahem U.S. prez ahem), are - without awareness - creating a desire for conscious people to connect, relate and create waves of social evolution.
To make it personal, my most imperfect self is something I can choose to connect with, forgive and accept. And my most egotistical self-expression is still a reflection of my highest SELF-expression. As I witness the pleasure, pain, and everything between, I can remember that it’s not “why/why not me?” but “this is a perfect way in which I (ego) am connected to something.” And, at least in Yoga, the Truth is that Union is all that REALLY is. Separateness is the illusion. And in every moment, everything is a Fucking perfect reflection of our always perfect existence!